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The Good Marriage:How and Why Love Lasts
By Judith S. Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee Judith S. Wallerstein has done research on marriage for over 30 years. One of her books, The Good Marriage, identifies the nine tasks that a couple undertakes in making and maintaining a good marriage. Also, she describes, in detail, four different types of good marriages that can possibly work for couples. From this book, one can learn how happy, lasting marriages are challenged and rebuilt each and every day. |
How can a person be successful in their marriage? This review of Walllerstein’s book will explore the many dynamics of marriage and the building blocks that are helpful in lasting marriages.
Wallerstein identifies nine tasks within a lasting marriage. The nine tasks are:
According to Wallerstein, the four marriage types are: Romantic, Rescue, Companionate and Traditional. In each of these categories, there are different degrees of closeness between the husband and wife, different roles for the man and the woman and a different division of labor and responsibility for child rearing. Some couples remain in one type of marriage throughout their life while other couples might shift to a different model of marriage at critical developmental transitions; such as the birth of a child.
The four types of marriages are: Romantic Marriages, Rescue Marriages, Companionate Marriages and Traditional Marriages.
I recommend that you find this book and read it from cover to cover. You will learn a lot about relationships, about yourself and about marriage!
Wallerstein identifies nine tasks within a lasting marriage. The nine tasks are:
- 1. “To separate emotionally from the family of one’s childhood so as to invest fully in the marriage and, at the same time, to redefine the lines of connection with both families of origin.” For this task, one needs to become independent in making choices and having one’s own moral judgment. It is a time to shift one’s primary love and loyalty to one’s spouse and one’s primary focus to establishing a new family. The ties to the family of origin become redefined.
- “To build togetherness by creating the intimacy that supports it while carving out each person’s autonomy. These issues are central throughout the marriage but loom especially large at the outset, at midlife, and at retirement.” While constructing a psychological identity of the marriage as an entity in itself, one shifts from the “I” of single life to the “We” of married life. “We-ness” gives marriage its staying power in the face of life’s inevitable frustrations and temptations to run away.” This shared marital identity is often achieved against enormous inner resistance.
- “To embrace the daunting roles of parents and to absorb the impact of Her Majesty the Baby’s dramatic entrance. At the same time, the couple must work to protect their own privacy.” For this task, each person needs to take on the new identity of parent and to be able to subordinate one’s own needs to the needs of the baby. Effort and vigilance are necessary in nurturing the marriage and the children in a balanced, healthy manner.
- “To confront and master the inevitable crises of life, maintaining the strength of the bond in the face of adversity.” Different opportunities occur for redefining togetherness, autonomy and one’s role within the marriage with various crises. One’s ability to handle a crisis is connected to a solid foundation of the marriage. Crisis can carry the seeds of destruction or the possibility of renewed strength.
- “To create a safe haven for the expression of differences, anger and conflict.” Communication, negotiation, and compromise are important components of handling differences. A couple’s love, friendship, shared interests and shared history create strong ties and become their strength when conflicts occur. Maturity and sensitivity to the needs of one’s spouse are important.
- “To establish a rich and pleasurable sexual relationship and protect it from the incursions of the workplace and family obligations…This helps to maintain the quality and stability of the relationship, replenishing emotional reserves and strengthening the marital bond.”
- “To use laughter and humor to keep things in perspective and to avoid boredom by sharing fun, interests, and friends.” Laughter and humor should be a part of everyday life. Sharing interests and activities together and being a part of a community enhances the marital bond.
- “To provide nurturance and comfort to each other, satisfying each other’s needs for dependency and offering continuing encouragement and support.” It is important to nurture one another from the beginning of the marriage and throughout your lifetime. This nurturing allows shelter, love and reassurance within the spouse’s arms. It is important to be able to read the body language and the words that one’s spouse is communicating as couples deal with various stresses of life.
- “To keep alive the early romantic, idealized images of falling in love while facing the sober realities of the changes wrought by time.” Memories, images and episodes of how the couple met, their wedding and their early years of marriage allows one to accept one another’s virtues and flaws throughout the many milestones and circumstances in married life.
According to Wallerstein, the four marriage types are: Romantic, Rescue, Companionate and Traditional. In each of these categories, there are different degrees of closeness between the husband and wife, different roles for the man and the woman and a different division of labor and responsibility for child rearing. Some couples remain in one type of marriage throughout their life while other couples might shift to a different model of marriage at critical developmental transitions; such as the birth of a child.
The four types of marriages are: Romantic Marriages, Rescue Marriages, Companionate Marriages and Traditional Marriages.
- Romantic marriages reflect couples that think they were destined to be together. Throughout their marriage, there is an exciting, passionate glow about their relationship. The couple often has a sense that they are connected by a magic that transcends time and space. The couple is strongly united physically and emotionally.
- Rescue marriages consists of one or both people in the marriage whom have suffered serious traumas in childhood (abandonment, abuse, neglect etc). These marriages, over time, can be established into happy and loving relationships. The marriage can possibly help one another overcome the pain of the early traumas in their lives. The pitfall of going back into earlier patterns of relating to others always exists, therefore; this needs to be offset by a strong trust relationship between the couple.
- Companionate marriages are the newest form of marriage and can be the most difficult to maintain. Both husband and wife lead important parts of their lives outside of the home. At the core of a companionate marriage is friendship and trust and the belief that both partners have equal responsibility in all domains of the marriage. The relationship requires high levels of self-confidence, trust and self-awareness and the ability to postpone gratification. Due to the ways that a husband and wife live separate lives, it can be especially challenging to create and maintain a strong core of togetherness. Mutual commitment is what holds the marriage together.
- Traditional marriages focus on the shared commitment of making and protecting the home and having different roles and responsibilities. Men are the main breadwinners and the women believe that full-time or nearly full-time mothering is important to children’s healthy development. Traditional marriages are alive and well with young adults as well as older couples.
I recommend that you find this book and read it from cover to cover. You will learn a lot about relationships, about yourself and about marriage!